Schema therapy
Schema therapy is a therapeutic approach that helps to understand deep beliefs and patterns, often formed in childhood, which continue to influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviour in adult life.
We often react automatically, before we have had time to think consciously. These reactions do not come out of nowhere. They are connected to earlier experiences, especially those in which important needs were left unmet in one way or another. In schema therapy, these deep beliefs are called schemas. They work like invisible “programmes”, shaping how we see ourselves, other people, and the world around us.
When might schema therapy be helpful?
Schema therapy may be helpful, for example, if:
- you notice the same difficulties repeating in your relationships
- you struggle with strong self-criticism or shame
- you find it difficult to recognise or express your needs
- you react in ways that you do not fully understand afterwards
- you have tried to “understand it rationally”, but the change does not last
How do schemas develop?
In childhood, we all share similar basic needs: the need for secure attachment, understanding, boundaries, autonomy, and play. We also need the freedom to express our feelings.
If these needs are repeatedly left unmet or only partially met, a child may begin to draw unconscious conclusions about themselves and the world:
- “I am not enough”
- “I am not loved”
- “People cannot be trusted”
- “I always have to strive in order to be worthwhile”
- “My needs do not matter”
These beliefs can stay with us into adulthood and begin to affect our relationships, self-esteem, and choices.
How does this show up in everyday life?
Two people may have the same schema or core belief, yet behave in very different ways because of it. One may fight against it, another may give in to it, and a third may try to escape from it.
Take the schema of abandonment, for example. A person who believes that someone important will leave them may, without realising it, choose partners who are not truly capable of commitment and then experience abandonment again and again. Someone who copes by avoidance may keep distance in order not to be left. Someone who fights the schema may cling to important people and become angry when the other person has plans of their own.
As a result, it may happen that:
- we find ourselves in similar relationships again and again
- we react strongly in situations that seem “small” to others
- we feel somehow “stuck” in the same patterns
What can schema therapy help with?
The aim of schema therapy is not simply to “solve a problem”, but to help you:
- understand where your patterns come from
- notice when they become activated
- create more freedom of choice instead of reacting automatically
- strengthen what schema therapy calls the healthy adult mode — the part of you that can be balanced, steady, and caring
- soften schemas that create suffering
Schema therapy offers a way to understand your patterns more deeply, work with them consciously, and build more supportive ways of living and relating. Rearranging the furniture will not improve life in a house if the pipes hidden inside the walls are leaking and the wiring is faulty. In much the same way, to understand and change deep beliefs, we need to look “inside the walls”.
I came to schema therapy only a few years ago, and I currently practise under supervision. You can hear more about schema therapy in my podcast “Becoming Myself” in Spotify (Estonian only), created in collaboration with the Estonian Schema Therapy Association.
We all carry experiences from the past. They do not, however, have to determine our future.